an apple a day keeps the doctor away

Well. I missed out on my apple. I have a doctor's appointment today. About a week ago I had to get my blood drawn. My mom had a feeling that I had something wrong with me because my acne and periods have been pretty bad. This is the same doctor who told us that Dalynn may have diabetes... I am nervous. I know that something could be wrong, and I hope there isn't anything. But, for some reason I can tell that deep down inside of me..I want there to be something wrong.
"When people think you're dying, they listen to what you have to say...instead of just waiting for their turn to talk."
Yep. It's true. That's not a direct quote, but its pretty much what they say on Fight Club.. I don't want to have something that could kill me. Noooo. I don't.
Dalynn has an appointment in a few days.. I'm even more nervous for her..........
She's starting school today. I need to go and wake her up in about 9 minutes. Get her ready. Get breakfast for her and Camren.. Mom is throwing up right now.. I'll probably have to get them dressed..

mind screaming, body pleading

Yep. That's what was going on! In about 3 days I had gotten 2 hours of sleep. I was loaded on Dr. Pepper. My mind was screaming to stay awake and my body was store and aching, yearning for sleep. It wasn't very fun...

But. I got my sleep. Yay! So. Now I'm all refreshed. But. It has only 9am and I've been awake for 5 hours. I've never gotten a full nights sleep AND woken up at 4. It was weird......



Blah. I hope I get my phone fixed today. =(

12:39 PM

I am quite tired at this moment, but I don't really want to go to sleep... I'm not sure why. I reckon part of the reason has to do with the fact that I have so many things on my mind. It's driving me mad... I wish I could just turn off my thoughts occasionally. Sleeping without dreams would be nice. Dreams tend to get annoying after a while. / =
I'm trying to write another story. I'm going to try to just write on paper, however. It seems like if I type a story, I never work on it. So, now I can write where ever I may be. I hope this one works out a bit better. I am going to try to write at least two pages (front and back) a day. More if I get into it. Maybe tomorrow I'll go to the library and work for a while. Hmm. I don't know.
Mom has a doctors appointment with a surgeon tomorrow.. I am really nervous for her. And scared. I know how scary it is to go into a doctors appointment and come out with a date when they are going to cut you open. Hopefully this will help though. I am so tired of seeing her in pain, it's sad.
I can't say that I don't know why...But...I really want a baby. I know, this sounds insanely odd coming form a 14 year old. But, it's true. I see commercials with babies on it and I feel my heart ache. Most kids my age would die if they got pregnant, but I would be ... ECSTATIC ...
Mom said that Darby's mom called and needs some money. I am kinda bummed because my mom was like.. "I don't want to not help her..But I am also not going to give her money and not let you go to Kasha's. That's not fair." So, I really hope that something gets worked out, because it's not fair. I think 3 years is long enough of a wait to see my best friend. I need to see her. I don't want to. I NEED to. . .
Anyways. It is now 12:44. Mom needs me to watch the kids when she goes to her appointment, so I should probably hit the sack. If only I could turn my mind off. /=

As the sun sets

And the moon rises

Feelings wash over her

The chill of the night

The breeze

The scent of the moon

Washing over her

Embracing her

Breathing deep

Lids closing

She embraces it

Cherishes it

Loves it

The feeling of the night

The chill of the breeze

The scent of the moon

Peace.

So yeah.. Just a poem I wrote in like.. 3 minutes. Lol. Nite nite. Not like anyone ever reads this anyways. But still. Nite.

where do you go when you are running away from yourself?

Myspace is being gayer than usual, wearing down every ounce of the patience that is already low, so. I gave up. I couldn't send messages... I couldn't go to where I wanted. F you myspace! Roar. Today was the last day of school. I am still not sure how I feel about that. Sure, I am sad because I'll miss people. Like, I will probably never see Katie again. And, I'm sad about that, but at the same time, I am SO happy that school is over. I just feel kinda crappy and I don't know why. I just need to get to Florida ASAP. Need to buy a friken plane ticket and go. Just go.
I'm really tired at the moment. BUT! I CAN STAY UP LATE TONIGHT! So..I can't go to bed right now...
My wrists hurt from typing.. I hate that with a true and strong passion.
He got my hopes up again. There are a lot of "He"s in my life. If you don't know who I am talking about, eh, sucks to be you!!! I have my eyes closed at the moment. This is a time when being a really good typre comes in handy. I'm tired. GRR!! All of my music on my ipod suck a lot. My eyes are burning. Owwww. Im so tired but I doubt I could fall asleep because my mind is going a mile a minute. =( Ok. Eyes are open. Anyways. I probably should go and do something that holds at least a little bit of importance.




Miss Kasha. = (

in need of salvation

A lot has seemed to happen...

• Snitched.. Feel really bad about it, but, there is NOTHING I can do about it now.
• Cried because I realized how much I am going to miss my friends...
• Got SO excited because my mom actually is seriously going to let me go and see Kasha. Before, it seems like it's never really been serious.
• Sorta nervous to see Kasha. I hope I haven't changed TOO much.
• Stuff with Grandparents.. Ugh.
• School finals are coming up. Stressing over that.
• EXCITED TO SEE KASHA!! EEK!!
• Decided (kinda got the idea from my mom) that when I'm older, I want to get a tattoo that represents Kasha. Or one that matches hers. IF she ever gets tattoos. Why? Cuz I Luuvvvv HER!!! RAWR! = D
• Found out that Rowan likes me.
• A lot.
• Kinda think I like her back, but I'm REALLY not sure, at all.
• Nicolee is coming home in a week and a few days. YAY!

And, I can't really think of much else. Some is good, some is bad. But in reality, I will look past all of the bullshit and crappiness because I am going to be able to see KASHA! Yay. "In need of salvation." Just a week or two and I shall have it. [[Kasha!]]

evaporate already!

Please.? I wish that it would...just evaporate. I burnt my hand making food and I feel like a dumbass. Boiling water and skin really don't go together. It hurts. But then, I feel like a stupid dumbass bitchy about that because Dominique just told me that Rowan ran away. I want to care, really.. But, I am not sure if I do. People who just up and run away bug me. Sure, you have problems and shit, okay. Understandable. But, fucking running away? Grow a backbone. Now I feel bad. I'm friends with Rowan, she's cool. I just.. ugh! There is nothing I can do, so I don't really want to hear about all the little tradegies. And, it always seems like something is wrong with someone. Someone OD on this. Someone ran away. Someone got into trouble. Okay. Tell me why I should give a shit?

None of these people are my real friends. None.
Now, I'm tempted to run away. I just need to pack up my whole house and take my family with me. Run away from school. Friends. Teachers. Run away...

how interesting...

Life can be. I had to get my blood drawn today. I teared up a bit, almost cried. I HATE getting my blood drawn. I don't mind the needle, it's the whole pushing on my arm...hard to explain. I just don't like it! OKAY?! Jeez. So, anyways, I went to the doctor yesterday. My mom thinks that I am depressed and I am starting to finally admit that I probably am. I probably am depressed. Seems to be the only explanation for a lot of things. But, whatever. So, my doctor referred me to a physcologist. Those are the ones that can give you meds if needed. I think it's needed. Anyways, they wanted to do a full blood work thingy magig, so I was like, okay. I hated it. Rawr. But, I've missed all week of school, so I need to figure out what's wrong I suppose. I don't feel like shit anymore, but I don't feel good really. I just....am. If that makes any sense at all. . . Nothing really AWESOME has happened in a while. But really, who can expect it to? I miss Kasha a lot. I'm ready to move somewhere. Florida, I wish. I want to get away from just about everyone. Everyone. I don't know what my problem is. Just seems like everything has to be fucked up. My health, some of which the problems are my fault. [[smoking]]. My dad. My grandparents. My friends. Me. All quite fucked up.
Eh, what's new?