evaporate already!

Please.? I wish that it would...just evaporate. I burnt my hand making food and I feel like a dumbass. Boiling water and skin really don't go together. It hurts. But then, I feel like a stupid dumbass bitchy about that because Dominique just told me that Rowan ran away. I want to care, really.. But, I am not sure if I do. People who just up and run away bug me. Sure, you have problems and shit, okay. Understandable. But, fucking running away? Grow a backbone. Now I feel bad. I'm friends with Rowan, she's cool. I just.. ugh! There is nothing I can do, so I don't really want to hear about all the little tradegies. And, it always seems like something is wrong with someone. Someone OD on this. Someone ran away. Someone got into trouble. Okay. Tell me why I should give a shit?

None of these people are my real friends. None.
Now, I'm tempted to run away. I just need to pack up my whole house and take my family with me. Run away from school. Friends. Teachers. Run away...

how interesting...

Life can be. I had to get my blood drawn today. I teared up a bit, almost cried. I HATE getting my blood drawn. I don't mind the needle, it's the whole pushing on my arm...hard to explain. I just don't like it! OKAY?! Jeez. So, anyways, I went to the doctor yesterday. My mom thinks that I am depressed and I am starting to finally admit that I probably am. I probably am depressed. Seems to be the only explanation for a lot of things. But, whatever. So, my doctor referred me to a physcologist. Those are the ones that can give you meds if needed. I think it's needed. Anyways, they wanted to do a full blood work thingy magig, so I was like, okay. I hated it. Rawr. But, I've missed all week of school, so I need to figure out what's wrong I suppose. I don't feel like shit anymore, but I don't feel good really. I just....am. If that makes any sense at all. . . Nothing really AWESOME has happened in a while. But really, who can expect it to? I miss Kasha a lot. I'm ready to move somewhere. Florida, I wish. I want to get away from just about everyone. Everyone. I don't know what my problem is. Just seems like everything has to be fucked up. My health, some of which the problems are my fault. [[smoking]]. My dad. My grandparents. My friends. Me. All quite fucked up.
Eh, what's new?

and another day goes by..

Without much happening. Last night (Well, 1-3AM, so.. this morning) my back was KILLING me, so I had some issues sleeping. Then today, I had to watch Daylnn and Camren early in the morning, that sucked some serious ass. Then I watched movies almost all day. Then my stomach started killing me and then my back pain came back. Took some of my mom's awesome/fast working painkillers and then I passed out and got really sick (hadn't eaten). Then I slept for a few hours. Woke up. Ate. Pretty much sat there. The family almost slept out on the trampoline, but that didn't work out. Now I'm back in the house writing this. SO eventful.. Ugh, not really. I'm probably not going to go to school tomorrow because I still haven't felt really well. I'm sure Mr. Dover is trippin because I told her I wouldn't miss any more school. ILL MAKE UP P.E.! RELAX! Then Mrs. Trujillo is probably frusterated that I'm not there because Saturday is the big dance and I'm in the class that plans it.. I'm probably not even gonna go though.. So..whatever. Then Mrs. Beckstead is probably livid because I have a bad grade in math and I am still missing school. But, really, this time..I'm not lying. I really don't feel good. Like, normally I fake it so I can get out of school and I end up going to the store/library/whatever but I haven't even been out of my yard since Sunday afternoon. So I am not messing around. Ugh... I'm turning into the boy who cried wolf. =( Poo.

and life goes on...i guess

So. . .
I broke up with my sex-crazed sort of an asshole "boyfriend" who I didn't think considered me to be his girlfriend. So that's done with. Surprisingly, I wasn't even sad. Not in the least. I was more disappointed that my first boyfriend had to turn out that way, but oh well.
I'm regretting that I didn't act on a crush that I've had almost all year.
I'm still having dreams about said crush and another guy. Ugh. Dreams....
I'm still sorta sick. Not perfect yet, but getting there.
Headaches seem to be normal now.
Thirsty ALL of the time.
Finished The Host by Stephenie Meyer. Hell, that was a good book. = D
Haven't been to school all week and I don't really care.
Ready for a change.

it's been forever

Since I have written! Jeezz. I don't even know all of the stuff that has happened. I'll put it in a list. If I repeat myself, sorry.

• Katie and I are on speaking terms now.
• Lauren said I was her best friend.
• Ryan.
• Confusion.
• Worry.
• Happiness.
• Nervous.
• Excited.
• Worried again.

Katie and I are not best friends again, but we are okay.

It was sweet of Lauren, I wasn't sure what to say.

Ryan is my boyfriend. I just wonder if he considers me to be his girlfriend...

Confused about how Ryan feels.

Worried about how Ryan feels, how I feel.

Happy because I got to see him.

Nervous as hell as I was on my way to see him.

Then really excited to be with him.

And now I am worried about something else. It probably isn't even that big of a deal, but I can't get it out of my mind. Funny how you can be on the clouds one moment then the ground with a broken arm the next. I'm happy, I am. I just. Rawr. Odd how easily a male can control my emotions. God.

And of course, I miss my Kasha dear. So much. <3

life goes on

Not sure if that is good or bad... But, it's a fact. The weekend helped me...LOADS. Helped me to relax a lot, like, I can breath now. But then, tomorrow, I go back to school. Eww.. So, my mom and I had established (or so I thought..) that I was going to do homeschooling next year. Now she's all like, nevermind, I want you to have a social life. A social life? A SOCIAL LIFE?! Hmm. *Thinks* What is better? A social life? Or sanity? So, that's annoying. But whatever. I FINALLY painted my room black! Muhaha. I got more fishies. 2 are mine. Destroyer is a Dragonfish or Goby. Midnight is a Black Moore. Destroyer is like, dying though. It's suppost to be in brackish water (mix of salt and fresh) and we don't have that. It's sad... I was going to get my own fish tank and make i brackish water and get loads of buddies for Destroyer. But, I looked at other brackish water fish. OMG! ugly.. like.. REALLY ugly. So, I think I'll stick with fresh and get a lot of Black Moores. = )
My mom bought us a Playstation 2 and like.. 8 games. I have never really had a game system before, so I was like..okay?...whatever.. But I found, I really like the Harry Potter games and Mortal Kombat. =p
Anyhoo. All is good..for the moment. Hopefully, it will last. Hopefully, I don't freak out when I go back to school tomorrow. Breath Deep. Life Goes On.
Yup. = )

i found out the hard way, nothing is what it seems

POO! Life. Rawr. I thought the reason for my saddness was the people I surrounded myself with. But now, I am around joyous people, loads of fun, yet a frown is on my face a lot of the time. I am not sad. I am not happy. I am just, there. Frusterated. So overly frusterated. Frusterated with:

• Friends
• Math
• High School
• People at school (a lot of them suck!)
• And loads more

I wish I could fast-foward time. Fast-foward it past the freaking math lectures about shit I am never going to think about again after I pass (if I pass), past the drama, past the pressure, past TEENAGE YEARS!
I don't want to be angry.
I don't want to be sad.
I don't want to be frusterated.
IF ONLY WE COULD CONTROL LIFE!
It's not that I am angry.
It's not that I am sad.
It's not that I am frusterated.
Simply that I am not happy.
What can make that happen, you say? Hmm..hmm.. IF I KNEW, I'D DO IT!!! DURHFUCKINDURH!

Okay, I am okay, I will be okay. I am just sick of math, a lot. Sick of school, a lot. Sick of most of the people around me. Sick of this house that I live in. Sick of everything. I need a change. I want to go somewhere where no one knows my name. No one knows how I used to be, just how I am. Where I can make a new "label" for myself.

Also, I am sick of that! FUCKING LABELS! A kid asked me to show him my arms today because he was bored and wanted to see my cuts. Fuck you.

All labels are are things for people to stamp on your forehead so they have something to mock at everyday.

By the way, our world is dying. Stop cutting down the goddamn trees. Stop burning the trees. Stop making shitting cars. Stop being greedy and wanting money, because if the world isn't here, your money will be no good you dumbass!

God, so frusterated. What to do, what to do?

And, I am ready to see Kasha, but no! Have to wait until summer because of what? What you ask? SCHOOL.

Rawr. But, life will go on. I will get over it. I just need a good scream, a good cry and sleep it off.

Poo.