12:39 PM

I am quite tired at this moment, but I don't really want to go to sleep... I'm not sure why. I reckon part of the reason has to do with the fact that I have so many things on my mind. It's driving me mad... I wish I could just turn off my thoughts occasionally. Sleeping without dreams would be nice. Dreams tend to get annoying after a while. / =
I'm trying to write another story. I'm going to try to just write on paper, however. It seems like if I type a story, I never work on it. So, now I can write where ever I may be. I hope this one works out a bit better. I am going to try to write at least two pages (front and back) a day. More if I get into it. Maybe tomorrow I'll go to the library and work for a while. Hmm. I don't know.
Mom has a doctors appointment with a surgeon tomorrow.. I am really nervous for her. And scared. I know how scary it is to go into a doctors appointment and come out with a date when they are going to cut you open. Hopefully this will help though. I am so tired of seeing her in pain, it's sad.
I can't say that I don't know why...But...I really want a baby. I know, this sounds insanely odd coming form a 14 year old. But, it's true. I see commercials with babies on it and I feel my heart ache. Most kids my age would die if they got pregnant, but I would be ... ECSTATIC ...
Mom said that Darby's mom called and needs some money. I am kinda bummed because my mom was like.. "I don't want to not help her..But I am also not going to give her money and not let you go to Kasha's. That's not fair." So, I really hope that something gets worked out, because it's not fair. I think 3 years is long enough of a wait to see my best friend. I need to see her. I don't want to. I NEED to. . .
Anyways. It is now 12:44. Mom needs me to watch the kids when she goes to her appointment, so I should probably hit the sack. If only I could turn my mind off. /=

As the sun sets

And the moon rises

Feelings wash over her

The chill of the night

The breeze

The scent of the moon

Washing over her

Embracing her

Breathing deep

Lids closing

She embraces it

Cherishes it

Loves it

The feeling of the night

The chill of the breeze

The scent of the moon

Peace.

So yeah.. Just a poem I wrote in like.. 3 minutes. Lol. Nite nite. Not like anyone ever reads this anyways. But still. Nite.

where do you go when you are running away from yourself?

Myspace is being gayer than usual, wearing down every ounce of the patience that is already low, so. I gave up. I couldn't send messages... I couldn't go to where I wanted. F you myspace! Roar. Today was the last day of school. I am still not sure how I feel about that. Sure, I am sad because I'll miss people. Like, I will probably never see Katie again. And, I'm sad about that, but at the same time, I am SO happy that school is over. I just feel kinda crappy and I don't know why. I just need to get to Florida ASAP. Need to buy a friken plane ticket and go. Just go.
I'm really tired at the moment. BUT! I CAN STAY UP LATE TONIGHT! So..I can't go to bed right now...
My wrists hurt from typing.. I hate that with a true and strong passion.
He got my hopes up again. There are a lot of "He"s in my life. If you don't know who I am talking about, eh, sucks to be you!!! I have my eyes closed at the moment. This is a time when being a really good typre comes in handy. I'm tired. GRR!! All of my music on my ipod suck a lot. My eyes are burning. Owwww. Im so tired but I doubt I could fall asleep because my mind is going a mile a minute. =( Ok. Eyes are open. Anyways. I probably should go and do something that holds at least a little bit of importance.




Miss Kasha. = (

in need of salvation

A lot has seemed to happen...

• Snitched.. Feel really bad about it, but, there is NOTHING I can do about it now.
• Cried because I realized how much I am going to miss my friends...
• Got SO excited because my mom actually is seriously going to let me go and see Kasha. Before, it seems like it's never really been serious.
• Sorta nervous to see Kasha. I hope I haven't changed TOO much.
• Stuff with Grandparents.. Ugh.
• School finals are coming up. Stressing over that.
• EXCITED TO SEE KASHA!! EEK!!
• Decided (kinda got the idea from my mom) that when I'm older, I want to get a tattoo that represents Kasha. Or one that matches hers. IF she ever gets tattoos. Why? Cuz I Luuvvvv HER!!! RAWR! = D
• Found out that Rowan likes me.
• A lot.
• Kinda think I like her back, but I'm REALLY not sure, at all.
• Nicolee is coming home in a week and a few days. YAY!

And, I can't really think of much else. Some is good, some is bad. But in reality, I will look past all of the bullshit and crappiness because I am going to be able to see KASHA! Yay. "In need of salvation." Just a week or two and I shall have it. [[Kasha!]]

evaporate already!

Please.? I wish that it would...just evaporate. I burnt my hand making food and I feel like a dumbass. Boiling water and skin really don't go together. It hurts. But then, I feel like a stupid dumbass bitchy about that because Dominique just told me that Rowan ran away. I want to care, really.. But, I am not sure if I do. People who just up and run away bug me. Sure, you have problems and shit, okay. Understandable. But, fucking running away? Grow a backbone. Now I feel bad. I'm friends with Rowan, she's cool. I just.. ugh! There is nothing I can do, so I don't really want to hear about all the little tradegies. And, it always seems like something is wrong with someone. Someone OD on this. Someone ran away. Someone got into trouble. Okay. Tell me why I should give a shit?

None of these people are my real friends. None.
Now, I'm tempted to run away. I just need to pack up my whole house and take my family with me. Run away from school. Friends. Teachers. Run away...

how interesting...

Life can be. I had to get my blood drawn today. I teared up a bit, almost cried. I HATE getting my blood drawn. I don't mind the needle, it's the whole pushing on my arm...hard to explain. I just don't like it! OKAY?! Jeez. So, anyways, I went to the doctor yesterday. My mom thinks that I am depressed and I am starting to finally admit that I probably am. I probably am depressed. Seems to be the only explanation for a lot of things. But, whatever. So, my doctor referred me to a physcologist. Those are the ones that can give you meds if needed. I think it's needed. Anyways, they wanted to do a full blood work thingy magig, so I was like, okay. I hated it. Rawr. But, I've missed all week of school, so I need to figure out what's wrong I suppose. I don't feel like shit anymore, but I don't feel good really. I just....am. If that makes any sense at all. . . Nothing really AWESOME has happened in a while. But really, who can expect it to? I miss Kasha a lot. I'm ready to move somewhere. Florida, I wish. I want to get away from just about everyone. Everyone. I don't know what my problem is. Just seems like everything has to be fucked up. My health, some of which the problems are my fault. [[smoking]]. My dad. My grandparents. My friends. Me. All quite fucked up.
Eh, what's new?

and another day goes by..

Without much happening. Last night (Well, 1-3AM, so.. this morning) my back was KILLING me, so I had some issues sleeping. Then today, I had to watch Daylnn and Camren early in the morning, that sucked some serious ass. Then I watched movies almost all day. Then my stomach started killing me and then my back pain came back. Took some of my mom's awesome/fast working painkillers and then I passed out and got really sick (hadn't eaten). Then I slept for a few hours. Woke up. Ate. Pretty much sat there. The family almost slept out on the trampoline, but that didn't work out. Now I'm back in the house writing this. SO eventful.. Ugh, not really. I'm probably not going to go to school tomorrow because I still haven't felt really well. I'm sure Mr. Dover is trippin because I told her I wouldn't miss any more school. ILL MAKE UP P.E.! RELAX! Then Mrs. Trujillo is probably frusterated that I'm not there because Saturday is the big dance and I'm in the class that plans it.. I'm probably not even gonna go though.. So..whatever. Then Mrs. Beckstead is probably livid because I have a bad grade in math and I am still missing school. But, really, this time..I'm not lying. I really don't feel good. Like, normally I fake it so I can get out of school and I end up going to the store/library/whatever but I haven't even been out of my yard since Sunday afternoon. So I am not messing around. Ugh... I'm turning into the boy who cried wolf. =( Poo.

and life goes on...i guess

So. . .
I broke up with my sex-crazed sort of an asshole "boyfriend" who I didn't think considered me to be his girlfriend. So that's done with. Surprisingly, I wasn't even sad. Not in the least. I was more disappointed that my first boyfriend had to turn out that way, but oh well.
I'm regretting that I didn't act on a crush that I've had almost all year.
I'm still having dreams about said crush and another guy. Ugh. Dreams....
I'm still sorta sick. Not perfect yet, but getting there.
Headaches seem to be normal now.
Thirsty ALL of the time.
Finished The Host by Stephenie Meyer. Hell, that was a good book. = D
Haven't been to school all week and I don't really care.
Ready for a change.