once breaking, then broken, now picking up the pieces.

I figured that if I was going to start documenting my life, I should get over all the things that are better left forgotten and try to live life to the fullest. Forget my recent past and cherish the present and hope for the future. Compared to most, my past wasn't really all that bad...and it wasn't, not by a long shot. However, like most humans, at the time it was all happening to me, I went into self-pity mode. My past contained three major points: an online "relationship", a friendship and a bad relationship with my father. The online "relationship" was doomed from the beginning and I shouldn't of ever even thought about it, because it is retarded. But, I wanted to believe that it was all real, but in the end, it was the farthest thing from real, as expected... I regret ever getting attached to that person, it was all most likely lies anyways. The frienship had its ups and several downs, but it seemed quite genuine. It finally came down to my happiness being sarcraficed for someone else's happiness, and I wasn't okay with that. May sound selfish, but it's true. My relationship with my father was full of hate. He had been in and out of prison for what seemed like my whole life. I was constantly blaming him for each tear I shed, each speck of unhappiness within me. I have pondered about all of these things and I have came to a conclusion: I will find real love when it comes, after all, I am only thirteen. Some frienships just aren't meant to be, so I should just simply cherish the ones that are worth it, the ones that are meant to be. I have concluded that my own happiness is important and I shouldn't cause myself to be unhappy just so someone else can gain from it. I have concluded that my father has made mistakes...who hasn't? I know that he is trying, I know that he loves me and I need to let go of the past and just love him back. Most of all, I have concluded that life is worth living, I just need to open my eyes and see why. There is so much I want to do in my life that I haven't done yet. I am done ready to die, nor do I want to die. There is so many foods that I haven't tasted, people I haven't met, waters I haven't swam in, trees I haven't climbed in and so much more. Sure, life may suck hard now, but who is to say that it will suck in ten years? It is all up to me. If I want to be happy, then I need to look past all of the shitiness in the world and just be happy. If I want to be happy, truely happy, then the only thing in my way is me, saying that I can't be happy. With this being said, I am not going to wear pink and start jumping up and down like a fucking Barbie, but I am not going to sulk and be someone who is sad all of the time. There is a medium, and I plan on finding it. Anyways, enough of my "life is good, burn emos, burn" speech. My past wasn't full of just bad and sadness. I am thankful for a few people that I have met along the way. My family, of course, they'll always be there with me, thank God. I love 'em to pieces! The first, specific person, I'd like to mention is my best friend Kasha. No matter what, she has always been my best friend. She is the only person who knows each of my flaws, each of my dark secrets, each of my sins and still loves and cares about me. I am so thankful for that. I've only known her for a little over three years, but those three years have been awesome. During two of them, we have been apart, but we keep in touch and our friendship is just getting stronger. I love her to death, no matter what! Two other friends of mine are Dominique and Lauren. They always remind me that my feelings matter and they keep a smile on my face, they rock! One thing that will always be in my past, present and future is writing. I love it with all of my being, soo much. It's what keeps me sane in this world! I really hope to finish a novel and have it published, that is my life goal. Another thing that I enjoy, but I have only recently had a passion for, is photography. I hope that the passion sticks and I can make something out of it. I hope that I can one day live off of writing and photography. I would be beyond content if that happened! Now- I am going to end this ramble of mine!