life goes on

Not sure if that is good or bad... But, it's a fact. The weekend helped me...LOADS. Helped me to relax a lot, like, I can breath now. But then, tomorrow, I go back to school. Eww.. So, my mom and I had established (or so I thought..) that I was going to do homeschooling next year. Now she's all like, nevermind, I want you to have a social life. A social life? A SOCIAL LIFE?! Hmm. *Thinks* What is better? A social life? Or sanity? So, that's annoying. But whatever. I FINALLY painted my room black! Muhaha. I got more fishies. 2 are mine. Destroyer is a Dragonfish or Goby. Midnight is a Black Moore. Destroyer is like, dying though. It's suppost to be in brackish water (mix of salt and fresh) and we don't have that. It's sad... I was going to get my own fish tank and make i brackish water and get loads of buddies for Destroyer. But, I looked at other brackish water fish. OMG! ugly.. like.. REALLY ugly. So, I think I'll stick with fresh and get a lot of Black Moores. = )
My mom bought us a Playstation 2 and like.. 8 games. I have never really had a game system before, so I was like..okay?...whatever.. But I found, I really like the Harry Potter games and Mortal Kombat. =p
Anyhoo. All is good..for the moment. Hopefully, it will last. Hopefully, I don't freak out when I go back to school tomorrow. Breath Deep. Life Goes On.
Yup. = )

i found out the hard way, nothing is what it seems

POO! Life. Rawr. I thought the reason for my saddness was the people I surrounded myself with. But now, I am around joyous people, loads of fun, yet a frown is on my face a lot of the time. I am not sad. I am not happy. I am just, there. Frusterated. So overly frusterated. Frusterated with:

• Friends
• Math
• High School
• People at school (a lot of them suck!)
• And loads more

I wish I could fast-foward time. Fast-foward it past the freaking math lectures about shit I am never going to think about again after I pass (if I pass), past the drama, past the pressure, past TEENAGE YEARS!
I don't want to be angry.
I don't want to be sad.
I don't want to be frusterated.
IF ONLY WE COULD CONTROL LIFE!
It's not that I am angry.
It's not that I am sad.
It's not that I am frusterated.
Simply that I am not happy.
What can make that happen, you say? Hmm..hmm.. IF I KNEW, I'D DO IT!!! DURHFUCKINDURH!

Okay, I am okay, I will be okay. I am just sick of math, a lot. Sick of school, a lot. Sick of most of the people around me. Sick of this house that I live in. Sick of everything. I need a change. I want to go somewhere where no one knows my name. No one knows how I used to be, just how I am. Where I can make a new "label" for myself.

Also, I am sick of that! FUCKING LABELS! A kid asked me to show him my arms today because he was bored and wanted to see my cuts. Fuck you.

All labels are are things for people to stamp on your forehead so they have something to mock at everyday.

By the way, our world is dying. Stop cutting down the goddamn trees. Stop burning the trees. Stop making shitting cars. Stop being greedy and wanting money, because if the world isn't here, your money will be no good you dumbass!

God, so frusterated. What to do, what to do?

And, I am ready to see Kasha, but no! Have to wait until summer because of what? What you ask? SCHOOL.

Rawr. But, life will go on. I will get over it. I just need a good scream, a good cry and sleep it off.

Poo.

suffication

No breathing. Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm and am bleeding. Do you even care if I die bleeding? Would it be wrong, would it be right, if I took my life tonight? Chances are that I might. Mutalation out of sight and I'm contemplating suicide. Because I am losing my mind, wish somebody would tell me I'm fine. Losing my sight, losing my mind, wish somebody would tell me I'm fine. Nothings alright. Nothing is fine. I never realized I was spread too thin Till it was too late And I was empty within Hungry Feeding on chaos And living in sin Downward spiral where do I begin It all started when I lost my mother No love for myself And no love for another Searching to find a love up on a higher level Finding nothing but questions and devils I'm running and I'm crying I can't go on living this way...
I hope you all know that that was a song. I'm not really cutting or contemplating suicide! I am just stressed, overwhelmed and frusterated beyond reason... And, it's all my fault... I've missed so much school, I'm in danger of freaking failing the 8th grade. I have a F in a few classes and I have loads of makeup work. I don't understand almost all of math. Teachers are getting on my case. Now the counselor. Now my mom. My mom is telling me that if I don't get my grades up she's going to take away my phone and computer and I can't hang out with any of my friends. Part of me is like, okay, that's fine. I deserve it. Then the other part of me is like, WTF?! Because many times that I stayed home, she let me. That is like, giving kids a whole bunch of candy then getting mad at them because they have a cavity. Yes, they could of brushed their teeth. They could of prevented it. But you let them eat it. Okay, weird analogy... I am just so frusterated. This kid in one of my classes WOULD NOT leave me alone today. He kept tapping on my desk, drawing on my paper, taking my stuff. I have stabbed him with my pencil, I have punched him, I have yelled at him, I have hurt him, yet.. HE STILL FRIKEN DOES IT!!! *loosing my marbles.!*
Then on my way into the Leadership room today, my counselor sees me. She was talking to a group of students so she said, "Mersadie, I need to talk to you." I'm like.. wtf? Then I get to the leadership room and mention it to my teacher. She says, "That's my fault. I emailed her about you." She failed to tell me what she emailed her about... Then the counselor talks to me, asks why I haven't been at school (I give my excuse.. back hurts..<-fib), tells me how important it is that I go, asks why I didn't get my pre-resitration stuff for HS. So, I text my mom to tell her that she needs to call and get the forms for HS and stuff. She does. Then she tells me that her and the counselor talked for like, 20 minutes about me, what my problem was with school, how I don't hate people, I just am overly annoyed (which is true) and an alternitave for high school. SO! It will all be worked out eventually. I just CANNOT get held back. I will be VERY pissed off.
I am worried about that.. but hey, life goes on.

stay in school! it's cool!

Ha ha, RIGHT! So, my mom made me go today. I woke up when I heard her alarm going off and I got up to turn it off, because it was on her phone, which was out of her room. She was there in the hallway right when I got there so she just told me to go back to bed because I said I was tired. SO ! I did. Ten minutes later she came in and told me that I had to go. So, I got dressed and such. No problem. I was only crying the whole time. But, no problem. SO. School wasn't too bad. I just have mounds of homework, which sucks. I got to the point where I was so irritated by people asking me where I had been, so I just said, I was committed into a mental institution and when they asked why, I said, I'm not allowed to talk about it. I only managed to keep a straight face telling one person. The rest, I broke out in laughter. But, it is more likely to happen then my whole "I was abducted by aliens" bit. (Ha ha, that was GREAT!) Anyhoo. Nothing too fascinating occured. Just, blehblahrawrness. I am fed up with school, but I won't drop out. I have an F in a few classes, so I really need to get it together. It's gonna be hard, but this is all my fault.. So, I'll have to fix it. And, I will. I think...
(One question that I have been wondering... What is worse, drugs or depression?)

breaking apart despite the bandages

It seems like the more I try to be happy, optomistic, etc., the more I find reasons not to be. It's not that I don't want to be happy. It's not that I want to be sad. It just seems like, I know how to be sad, I am almost..comfortable? with it. When it comes to being happy, I feel like I am faking it and it just doesn't seem genuine. I am not saying this because of other people's opinions, it doesn't feel genuine to me. I can't stand school anymore. I can't stand some of my family anymore [not really, "can't stand", I am just getting annoyed easier then normal]. I REALLY do not want to go to school tomorrow. Last week I only went for half a day and this week, I haven't gone at all. If I had a reason, like a test, a person, a class, whatever. Then I would understand it more, but I have no idea why I don't want to go. I just don't. It sucks. The people suck. The classes suck. Everything. Some of the people [most] are just so incrediably stupid! I know that I am not the smartest of them all, but when we are reading out loud in class, half of them stutter over every word. Or the teachers get mad at me for stupid shit. Or people won't leave me alone, asking me hwer eI have been and stuff. I wish I could tell them, "I've been away from you. Now, go away." I think my teeth are suffering permanant damage, due to the constant grinding and jaw clenching out of pure and utter frusteration and disgust. Ugh, I can feel myself drifting back into the depression stage. /=
Anyways.. What I did today!

• Woke up, way too early! Went to be at like.. 2 had to wake up at like.. 9 for a Dr. appointment. I know, not that early, but I am a nite owl, okay?!
• Went to Dr. Had to wait two hours in the waiting room. Then they only spent like, 15 minutes with me.. WTF?!
• Taco Bell. Yum Yum.
• Home. Cleaned my whole room. I even vaccumeed! It was epic!
• Went to Walmart, it's Lani's birthday, so we got her a cake (parents needed us to..) and some presents. It was really hard considering I am not really friends with her anymore so I was totally at a loss when it came to getting her stuff. But I did it!
• Went to Lani's house. Awkward. She barely talked to me...
• Came home.
• Now I'm doing this!
• And during all of this, I was always doing one thing.. Missing Kasha.

tears spill

= \
I could say that I wished I didn't care.
I could say that I wished I could look the other way.
I could say that I wished I knew of none of it.
I could say that I wished my heart was in another place.
I could say that I wished that my mind was thinking other thoughts.
But...I don't. I do care, I will look at it with my head held high, I know all of it, my heart is here and will remain and my mind wouldn't stop pondering the facts until my heart gives out.
I am trying to understand myself what I really mean by this, because I am uncertain. Every time I think about Kasha, I can't help but break down. I miss her so much. I could say that I wished I didn't, so maybe my eyes could remain dry for a moment, but I don't wish that. In order for me not to miss Kasha, I would have had to have never met her. That would be like never meeting my hand. It would be...weird.
Kasha, I want you to know that I care for you so much. I love you like a sister, you are my sister. Without you, I am not sure what I would do. I want you to know that after the heartbreaks, after the tears, after the pain, after it all, I will always be here. I don't plan on forgetting you, I won't. This is going to sound corny and maybe a bit...loverish? but- you are one of the few people who really are in my heart. It is aching right now. Bea cause you claim to be so incompetent, so unimportant, so undeserving. I wish I had the strength that you do. I wish I could speak my mind and stick to it. I am always doing what everyone else is doing. I can't ever stick to a label, because I am changing with everyone else. But you, you do what you want, what you think is right. You don't change for anyone, but you will kill for all. I wish I had those qualities. I miss you so much. SO much. It really, really, REALLY sucks. I better be coming there this summer or I shall throw a tantrum.
I hope I didn't come off as a stalker, I know I have stalkerish qualities. I just love ya, Hon and I want you to know that. So, if in the end, no one else loves you, I do. I hope that is enough.

m.i.a.

I've been Missing In Action for the past week and my blog has become abandoned! I have returned! Yay? Probably no "Yay"s. But, oh well. Soo. This week has been eventful, yet boring. Let's start with my weekend (last weekend). Had my first kiss (I'd rather not get into detail about that...ew...) and a lot of other firsts, which I don't really want to talk about! Anyhoo. Nothing too extreme. I promise. lol. I haven't gone to school all week. Except for Wed., but I went home after 5th period. I don't know why I haven't gone. I just really don't like it lately. I don't know if it's the getting up at 5:30 every morning or the people..or what. I don't know, but I'm going to do homeschooling next year but until then I am going to work on that. I've been talking to that guy, the one who I said wasn't very cute, blah blah blah and I am starting to like him. He seems pretty cool and is obviously into me! Sooo, I don't know what's going to happen with that. He wants to hang out, and I want to see him and all...but not by myself. Hmm. I don't know! Anyhoo. I feel like there was a lot more that has happened, but I can't really think of anything too dramatic. I really miss my bud, Kasha! Rawr, making me angry beastbeast.