breaking apart despite the bandages

It seems like the more I try to be happy, optomistic, etc., the more I find reasons not to be. It's not that I don't want to be happy. It's not that I want to be sad. It just seems like, I know how to be sad, I am almost..comfortable? with it. When it comes to being happy, I feel like I am faking it and it just doesn't seem genuine. I am not saying this because of other people's opinions, it doesn't feel genuine to me. I can't stand school anymore. I can't stand some of my family anymore [not really, "can't stand", I am just getting annoyed easier then normal]. I REALLY do not want to go to school tomorrow. Last week I only went for half a day and this week, I haven't gone at all. If I had a reason, like a test, a person, a class, whatever. Then I would understand it more, but I have no idea why I don't want to go. I just don't. It sucks. The people suck. The classes suck. Everything. Some of the people [most] are just so incrediably stupid! I know that I am not the smartest of them all, but when we are reading out loud in class, half of them stutter over every word. Or the teachers get mad at me for stupid shit. Or people won't leave me alone, asking me hwer eI have been and stuff. I wish I could tell them, "I've been away from you. Now, go away." I think my teeth are suffering permanant damage, due to the constant grinding and jaw clenching out of pure and utter frusteration and disgust. Ugh, I can feel myself drifting back into the depression stage. /=
Anyways.. What I did today!

• Woke up, way too early! Went to be at like.. 2 had to wake up at like.. 9 for a Dr. appointment. I know, not that early, but I am a nite owl, okay?!
• Went to Dr. Had to wait two hours in the waiting room. Then they only spent like, 15 minutes with me.. WTF?!
• Taco Bell. Yum Yum.
• Home. Cleaned my whole room. I even vaccumeed! It was epic!
• Went to Walmart, it's Lani's birthday, so we got her a cake (parents needed us to..) and some presents. It was really hard considering I am not really friends with her anymore so I was totally at a loss when it came to getting her stuff. But I did it!
• Went to Lani's house. Awkward. She barely talked to me...
• Came home.
• Now I'm doing this!
• And during all of this, I was always doing one thing.. Missing Kasha.