crush factor: real or thrill?

How can you tell if you really like someone or you are just flattered that they like you. I've met this guy once at a park, he was with all of his friends. I was with 2 of my friends. We all kinda crushed on each of the friends. The guy I was crushing on wasn't the guy in question. But it turned out that 2/3 of the guys ended up liking my friend (the guy in question and the guy I liked). So when he messaged me yesterday I expected him to be wanting to know why my friend deleted her myspcace. I informed him that we weren't friends anymore, blah blah blah and if that was why he wanted to talk to me. He said that I was cool and wanted to talk to me. So I was like, fine, whatever. Then when I asked him what he wanted to talk about...his suggestion was...interesting, to say the least. What do ALL guys think about? Yep, that was it. So we asked eachother a few quick questions, nothing major. Then it changed into me telling him that I probably knew something that he hasn't done. He wasn't convinced so I said the first thing that came to mind. Making out in a library. He said he had and I was like, yeah right. He was like, I could do it for you. I was like, for me or with me? He said with me! Oh my god. Kinda creepy, considering I've met him once and he said he loved my friend. But whatever, it was quite flattering. I'm pretty sure he likes me. But I don't really like him. I'm just bored. Maybe I could grow to like him? He's just totally not cute. I know that shouldn't matter but..we shall see I suppose. Anyhoo. Real or Thrill? Do I really like him or am I just liking the attention?

Maless...iicky.

one million and counting...

That is about how many time I change my emotion/mood for the day. Everyday. I can be happy one second then miserable. I almost feel....guilty for being happy sometimes... Like, people will think that I am not being myself because I'm happy rather than sad. Or that I don't deserve to be happy when some people do. But then when I'm sad I feel crappy too. And my reasons for being sad are retarded. But then..why do I still cry? How in the hell do I have a right to say that I am sad when practically everything is okay? How in the hell do I have a right to say that I am lonely when I have a whole bunch of people who talk to me and say hi to me and claim they love me? How in the hell do I have a right to say it? When other peoples' lives suck way more than mine and they have zero friends... I guess you could say I'm ungreatful. I guess you could say that I am picky. I guess you could say that I am selfish... I could say that I am. I don't know what I want. I want to be happy, yes but I want to remain who I am. I feel like if I am happy, I can't do that... When I'm happy, I change. But at the same time, I don't want to be sad. Grr, I just don't know. I am so sick of emotions.. They are so irratating at times. I just wish I had...something. Something that I cannot even name because I have yet discovered what it is.. Oh wait.. I remeber..I need Kasha.....

loner in the crowd

Ever feel like you are surrounded by a ton of people, people who talk to you, smile at you, hug you, say hi to you, say they love you....? And yet- you feel oddly alone. Because the second the conversations dies, the smiles fade, the hugs are over, they continue onto their classes...they are all gone. I've been trying so hard to be happy, smile, laugh, joke, wearing friken pink for hell's sake! I am not sad right now...just lonely. See, there is this thing called Extreme on Saturday, a whole bunch of bands come..there is food, jewerly..in a nut shell, it's loads of fun. I really want to go, but one problem..no one to go with. Dominique and Lauren both don't have the money ($20 entry fee) and I mean, I know people who are going and all...but they aren't my friends.. Yeah, they say "Hey Sadie, what's up?" "Cute shirt Sadie!" "Haha, you're funny Sadie!" "Love ya Sadie!" But they probably wouldn't want to go to a movie..or to lunch..or to the friken Adventure Dome trip next month for school. Rawr. I like hanging out with Dominique and Lauren but... Lauren can be sad or uninterested a lot and Dominique has her own best friend. I need my Kasha I suppose...

lions and tigers and bears, oh my! (well. it was actually: snakes and spiders and lizards, oh my!)

Sorry I didn't write yesterday-I was too busy having fun. :P Afterschool (School was okay, nothing too dramatic happened... My friend Lauren's brother, Evan changed his lunch schedual so that he could eat lunch with Dominique and I..how flattering!) I went to Exotic Pets! That is probably the coolest store on planet Earth!! There were a lot of turtles, big and small, a LOT of awesome reptiles (snakes, lizards, etc., etc.), fishies, spiders (EEK!), birds and even a kangaroo! It was sooo awesome! Now I really want some type of lizard or snake and some froggies. My only concern is that I am a chicken shit and I wouldn't be able to hold them, lol. Anyways, we ended up getting two more turtles (Chaotic and Stud, they are miiine!), 6 frozen baby rats (iick), 2 frozen biig rats (iicker), another light for the turtle tank and some plants for the turtle tank. The rats were for my grandma's snakes (Sasha and Kai: Ball Pythons and Lexi: Boa Constrictor). The turtle tank contains: 4 turtles (Sasha, Jack, Chaotic and Stud), 6 fish (I should name those!! :P), a whole bunch of colorful rocks, a little thing for the turtles to chill on and some plants that the turtles can actually eat. It is pretty cool. : ) My mom said that we could make a shelf to attach to my wall then build a cage that would go on top of it and then put froggies in it! Wouldn't that be awesome? I really like the poison arrow frogs but they are 1: posionous and 2: expensive..so I will probably end up getting these frogs called Hourglass frogs, they are really cute! I want some type of reptile..but they are all soo expensive, so I'll have to wait for that..maybe my birthday? Oh yah, the child support is going to start kicking in by May, so that will be cool. : ) Anyhoo, the last few days have been quite good. Nothing too horrible has happened (save the fact that he started talking to me again... Nothing is really happening with that. Whenever we talk I either sound like a pathetic loser or a bitch...Oh well. Maybe we jus tshouldnt talk at all and I should delete his number again..but then that whole email would of been pointless..but whatever. If he talks to me, fine. I'll act totally normal and express the fact that I am...happy. I am happy I think. Finally.) Oops, didn't mean for that to be so long. But it is true. I think I finally am happy, despite what the world sees when they look at me. Just because I wear black everyday and listen to hard rock doesn't mean that I am depressed or anything. I feel like I am a fairly outgoing person and I don't need to wear bright colors and listen to pop and such to be reconized.

Rawr, my sunburn is driving me stark raving mad (heha).
Anyhoo. I'll add more if today has anything fun to talk about.

forgive and forget?

Ugh. Today...
Started out bad, I had to go to school! Ew. Math sucked, as usual. The rest of my classes were okay. Up until PE. I usually hate PE but today we had to run and it wasn't even that far but when we were done, I almost passed out. I swear. It was iicky. Then after I dressed out I had a text message. I reconized the number right away. The infamous online ex-boyfriend. At first, I was confused..Why was he texting me after what he said? Why? I opened it and it said that his brother had hacked his myspace and said what had finally allowed me to get over him. So now I know for a fact that he read my message to him (a pethetic, almost begging message, ew). He said it 'wouldn't win him back but he'll still talk to me'. I almost said, you think I want to win you back? LOSER! Sure, I missed him like hell and I wanted to talk to him more than anything..but now? Not really. So iickyiickyewww situation. I'm just going to text him occasionally, I'm cool with just being friends. I'll reply like I am totally uninterested in whatever he is saying. I can do that..can't I?

caught up to the present

Now I am pretty much caught up to today. The Cali trip was a few days ago, so that's over with. Today was Easter. Fun, fun, fun. Eat candy until your sick, what a blast! lol. My grandma came back from Cali today (they came up with us but left later), she brought me 3 sand dollars, they are soo cool. That is all I really wanted from the beach, but she bought those ones. They are awesome looking. = )

One thing that I've been thinking about latley is how I am. For the past year or so, I've been the dark, "emo", sad person. I am not really "emo" or sad anymore, but being dark, is sort of how I am. I love black, I love dark things. I shutter at the site of pink and rainbows have never been my thing. I've just been hanging out with the ravers lately and they are all for bright colors and white. I want to fit in, but old habbits die hard I guess. I want to fit in and all, but I don't want to change who I am and besides, is wearing black all the time really that bad?

california trip. march 20-22

Our first stop was LA. Amazing as it is, I am not too fond of that city. We just went there for my dad, he had a class there. We stayed in a really small hotel, that part sucked really bad. It was me, my five year old sister (Dalynn), my four year old brother (Camren), my mom and my dad. It was soo cramped and loud. So I just put in my headphones and crashed the entire time. lol. The next day we drove to Oceanside, which is spectacular! Sooo pretty there. I loved it! I got a whole bunch of shells on the beach, I even found a starfish. As I laid on the beach (talking to Kasha on the phone actually) I noticed the person next to me was reading Twilight. I thought it was funny. I can't go anywhere without seeing that book, and I totally understand why. It's an awesome book. lol. Anyways, the beach was fun. I loved how the water glinted as the sun hit it and how the sand sparkled. It was amazing. The next day we drove home. It seemed to last forever and I got carsick once, due to the friken traffic (iick). Along the way I made some observations: there are a lot of trees and ivy on the side of the roads, it is REALLY stupid to try and brush your hair in the car...a convertible...stupid people!, do you ever think that the dudes who drive those big choppers ever get really tired..their arms I mean. They have to reach up and stuff. Looks kinda stupid to me actually. lol. Anyways, it was great to get home but it was fun. = )

once breaking, then broken, now picking up the pieces.

I figured that if I was going to start documenting my life, I should get over all the things that are better left forgotten and try to live life to the fullest. Forget my recent past and cherish the present and hope for the future. Compared to most, my past wasn't really all that bad...and it wasn't, not by a long shot. However, like most humans, at the time it was all happening to me, I went into self-pity mode. My past contained three major points: an online "relationship", a friendship and a bad relationship with my father. The online "relationship" was doomed from the beginning and I shouldn't of ever even thought about it, because it is retarded. But, I wanted to believe that it was all real, but in the end, it was the farthest thing from real, as expected... I regret ever getting attached to that person, it was all most likely lies anyways. The frienship had its ups and several downs, but it seemed quite genuine. It finally came down to my happiness being sarcraficed for someone else's happiness, and I wasn't okay with that. May sound selfish, but it's true. My relationship with my father was full of hate. He had been in and out of prison for what seemed like my whole life. I was constantly blaming him for each tear I shed, each speck of unhappiness within me. I have pondered about all of these things and I have came to a conclusion: I will find real love when it comes, after all, I am only thirteen. Some frienships just aren't meant to be, so I should just simply cherish the ones that are worth it, the ones that are meant to be. I have concluded that my own happiness is important and I shouldn't cause myself to be unhappy just so someone else can gain from it. I have concluded that my father has made mistakes...who hasn't? I know that he is trying, I know that he loves me and I need to let go of the past and just love him back. Most of all, I have concluded that life is worth living, I just need to open my eyes and see why. There is so much I want to do in my life that I haven't done yet. I am done ready to die, nor do I want to die. There is so many foods that I haven't tasted, people I haven't met, waters I haven't swam in, trees I haven't climbed in and so much more. Sure, life may suck hard now, but who is to say that it will suck in ten years? It is all up to me. If I want to be happy, then I need to look past all of the shitiness in the world and just be happy. If I want to be happy, truely happy, then the only thing in my way is me, saying that I can't be happy. With this being said, I am not going to wear pink and start jumping up and down like a fucking Barbie, but I am not going to sulk and be someone who is sad all of the time. There is a medium, and I plan on finding it. Anyways, enough of my "life is good, burn emos, burn" speech. My past wasn't full of just bad and sadness. I am thankful for a few people that I have met along the way. My family, of course, they'll always be there with me, thank God. I love 'em to pieces! The first, specific person, I'd like to mention is my best friend Kasha. No matter what, she has always been my best friend. She is the only person who knows each of my flaws, each of my dark secrets, each of my sins and still loves and cares about me. I am so thankful for that. I've only known her for a little over three years, but those three years have been awesome. During two of them, we have been apart, but we keep in touch and our friendship is just getting stronger. I love her to death, no matter what! Two other friends of mine are Dominique and Lauren. They always remind me that my feelings matter and they keep a smile on my face, they rock! One thing that will always be in my past, present and future is writing. I love it with all of my being, soo much. It's what keeps me sane in this world! I really hope to finish a novel and have it published, that is my life goal. Another thing that I enjoy, but I have only recently had a passion for, is photography. I hope that the passion sticks and I can make something out of it. I hope that I can one day live off of writing and photography. I would be beyond content if that happened! Now- I am going to end this ramble of mine!