an apple a day keeps the doctor away

Well. I missed out on my apple. I have a doctor's appointment today. About a week ago I had to get my blood drawn. My mom had a feeling that I had something wrong with me because my acne and periods have been pretty bad. This is the same doctor who told us that Dalynn may have diabetes... I am nervous. I know that something could be wrong, and I hope there isn't anything. But, for some reason I can tell that deep down inside of me..I want there to be something wrong.
"When people think you're dying, they listen to what you have to say...instead of just waiting for their turn to talk."
Yep. It's true. That's not a direct quote, but its pretty much what they say on Fight Club.. I don't want to have something that could kill me. Noooo. I don't.
Dalynn has an appointment in a few days.. I'm even more nervous for her..........
She's starting school today. I need to go and wake her up in about 9 minutes. Get her ready. Get breakfast for her and Camren.. Mom is throwing up right now.. I'll probably have to get them dressed..

mind screaming, body pleading

Yep. That's what was going on! In about 3 days I had gotten 2 hours of sleep. I was loaded on Dr. Pepper. My mind was screaming to stay awake and my body was store and aching, yearning for sleep. It wasn't very fun...

But. I got my sleep. Yay! So. Now I'm all refreshed. But. It has only 9am and I've been awake for 5 hours. I've never gotten a full nights sleep AND woken up at 4. It was weird......



Blah. I hope I get my phone fixed today. =(

12:39 PM

I am quite tired at this moment, but I don't really want to go to sleep... I'm not sure why. I reckon part of the reason has to do with the fact that I have so many things on my mind. It's driving me mad... I wish I could just turn off my thoughts occasionally. Sleeping without dreams would be nice. Dreams tend to get annoying after a while. / =
I'm trying to write another story. I'm going to try to just write on paper, however. It seems like if I type a story, I never work on it. So, now I can write where ever I may be. I hope this one works out a bit better. I am going to try to write at least two pages (front and back) a day. More if I get into it. Maybe tomorrow I'll go to the library and work for a while. Hmm. I don't know.
Mom has a doctors appointment with a surgeon tomorrow.. I am really nervous for her. And scared. I know how scary it is to go into a doctors appointment and come out with a date when they are going to cut you open. Hopefully this will help though. I am so tired of seeing her in pain, it's sad.
I can't say that I don't know why...But...I really want a baby. I know, this sounds insanely odd coming form a 14 year old. But, it's true. I see commercials with babies on it and I feel my heart ache. Most kids my age would die if they got pregnant, but I would be ... ECSTATIC ...
Mom said that Darby's mom called and needs some money. I am kinda bummed because my mom was like.. "I don't want to not help her..But I am also not going to give her money and not let you go to Kasha's. That's not fair." So, I really hope that something gets worked out, because it's not fair. I think 3 years is long enough of a wait to see my best friend. I need to see her. I don't want to. I NEED to. . .
Anyways. It is now 12:44. Mom needs me to watch the kids when she goes to her appointment, so I should probably hit the sack. If only I could turn my mind off. /=

As the sun sets

And the moon rises

Feelings wash over her

The chill of the night

The breeze

The scent of the moon

Washing over her

Embracing her

Breathing deep

Lids closing

She embraces it

Cherishes it

Loves it

The feeling of the night

The chill of the breeze

The scent of the moon

Peace.

So yeah.. Just a poem I wrote in like.. 3 minutes. Lol. Nite nite. Not like anyone ever reads this anyways. But still. Nite.

where do you go when you are running away from yourself?

Myspace is being gayer than usual, wearing down every ounce of the patience that is already low, so. I gave up. I couldn't send messages... I couldn't go to where I wanted. F you myspace! Roar. Today was the last day of school. I am still not sure how I feel about that. Sure, I am sad because I'll miss people. Like, I will probably never see Katie again. And, I'm sad about that, but at the same time, I am SO happy that school is over. I just feel kinda crappy and I don't know why. I just need to get to Florida ASAP. Need to buy a friken plane ticket and go. Just go.
I'm really tired at the moment. BUT! I CAN STAY UP LATE TONIGHT! So..I can't go to bed right now...
My wrists hurt from typing.. I hate that with a true and strong passion.
He got my hopes up again. There are a lot of "He"s in my life. If you don't know who I am talking about, eh, sucks to be you!!! I have my eyes closed at the moment. This is a time when being a really good typre comes in handy. I'm tired. GRR!! All of my music on my ipod suck a lot. My eyes are burning. Owwww. Im so tired but I doubt I could fall asleep because my mind is going a mile a minute. =( Ok. Eyes are open. Anyways. I probably should go and do something that holds at least a little bit of importance.




Miss Kasha. = (

in need of salvation

A lot has seemed to happen...

• Snitched.. Feel really bad about it, but, there is NOTHING I can do about it now.
• Cried because I realized how much I am going to miss my friends...
• Got SO excited because my mom actually is seriously going to let me go and see Kasha. Before, it seems like it's never really been serious.
• Sorta nervous to see Kasha. I hope I haven't changed TOO much.
• Stuff with Grandparents.. Ugh.
• School finals are coming up. Stressing over that.
• EXCITED TO SEE KASHA!! EEK!!
• Decided (kinda got the idea from my mom) that when I'm older, I want to get a tattoo that represents Kasha. Or one that matches hers. IF she ever gets tattoos. Why? Cuz I Luuvvvv HER!!! RAWR! = D
• Found out that Rowan likes me.
• A lot.
• Kinda think I like her back, but I'm REALLY not sure, at all.
• Nicolee is coming home in a week and a few days. YAY!

And, I can't really think of much else. Some is good, some is bad. But in reality, I will look past all of the bullshit and crappiness because I am going to be able to see KASHA! Yay. "In need of salvation." Just a week or two and I shall have it. [[Kasha!]]

evaporate already!

Please.? I wish that it would...just evaporate. I burnt my hand making food and I feel like a dumbass. Boiling water and skin really don't go together. It hurts. But then, I feel like a stupid dumbass bitchy about that because Dominique just told me that Rowan ran away. I want to care, really.. But, I am not sure if I do. People who just up and run away bug me. Sure, you have problems and shit, okay. Understandable. But, fucking running away? Grow a backbone. Now I feel bad. I'm friends with Rowan, she's cool. I just.. ugh! There is nothing I can do, so I don't really want to hear about all the little tradegies. And, it always seems like something is wrong with someone. Someone OD on this. Someone ran away. Someone got into trouble. Okay. Tell me why I should give a shit?

None of these people are my real friends. None.
Now, I'm tempted to run away. I just need to pack up my whole house and take my family with me. Run away from school. Friends. Teachers. Run away...

how interesting...

Life can be. I had to get my blood drawn today. I teared up a bit, almost cried. I HATE getting my blood drawn. I don't mind the needle, it's the whole pushing on my arm...hard to explain. I just don't like it! OKAY?! Jeez. So, anyways, I went to the doctor yesterday. My mom thinks that I am depressed and I am starting to finally admit that I probably am. I probably am depressed. Seems to be the only explanation for a lot of things. But, whatever. So, my doctor referred me to a physcologist. Those are the ones that can give you meds if needed. I think it's needed. Anyways, they wanted to do a full blood work thingy magig, so I was like, okay. I hated it. Rawr. But, I've missed all week of school, so I need to figure out what's wrong I suppose. I don't feel like shit anymore, but I don't feel good really. I just....am. If that makes any sense at all. . . Nothing really AWESOME has happened in a while. But really, who can expect it to? I miss Kasha a lot. I'm ready to move somewhere. Florida, I wish. I want to get away from just about everyone. Everyone. I don't know what my problem is. Just seems like everything has to be fucked up. My health, some of which the problems are my fault. [[smoking]]. My dad. My grandparents. My friends. Me. All quite fucked up.
Eh, what's new?

and another day goes by..

Without much happening. Last night (Well, 1-3AM, so.. this morning) my back was KILLING me, so I had some issues sleeping. Then today, I had to watch Daylnn and Camren early in the morning, that sucked some serious ass. Then I watched movies almost all day. Then my stomach started killing me and then my back pain came back. Took some of my mom's awesome/fast working painkillers and then I passed out and got really sick (hadn't eaten). Then I slept for a few hours. Woke up. Ate. Pretty much sat there. The family almost slept out on the trampoline, but that didn't work out. Now I'm back in the house writing this. SO eventful.. Ugh, not really. I'm probably not going to go to school tomorrow because I still haven't felt really well. I'm sure Mr. Dover is trippin because I told her I wouldn't miss any more school. ILL MAKE UP P.E.! RELAX! Then Mrs. Trujillo is probably frusterated that I'm not there because Saturday is the big dance and I'm in the class that plans it.. I'm probably not even gonna go though.. So..whatever. Then Mrs. Beckstead is probably livid because I have a bad grade in math and I am still missing school. But, really, this time..I'm not lying. I really don't feel good. Like, normally I fake it so I can get out of school and I end up going to the store/library/whatever but I haven't even been out of my yard since Sunday afternoon. So I am not messing around. Ugh... I'm turning into the boy who cried wolf. =( Poo.

and life goes on...i guess

So. . .
I broke up with my sex-crazed sort of an asshole "boyfriend" who I didn't think considered me to be his girlfriend. So that's done with. Surprisingly, I wasn't even sad. Not in the least. I was more disappointed that my first boyfriend had to turn out that way, but oh well.
I'm regretting that I didn't act on a crush that I've had almost all year.
I'm still having dreams about said crush and another guy. Ugh. Dreams....
I'm still sorta sick. Not perfect yet, but getting there.
Headaches seem to be normal now.
Thirsty ALL of the time.
Finished The Host by Stephenie Meyer. Hell, that was a good book. = D
Haven't been to school all week and I don't really care.
Ready for a change.

it's been forever

Since I have written! Jeezz. I don't even know all of the stuff that has happened. I'll put it in a list. If I repeat myself, sorry.

• Katie and I are on speaking terms now.
• Lauren said I was her best friend.
• Ryan.
• Confusion.
• Worry.
• Happiness.
• Nervous.
• Excited.
• Worried again.

Katie and I are not best friends again, but we are okay.

It was sweet of Lauren, I wasn't sure what to say.

Ryan is my boyfriend. I just wonder if he considers me to be his girlfriend...

Confused about how Ryan feels.

Worried about how Ryan feels, how I feel.

Happy because I got to see him.

Nervous as hell as I was on my way to see him.

Then really excited to be with him.

And now I am worried about something else. It probably isn't even that big of a deal, but I can't get it out of my mind. Funny how you can be on the clouds one moment then the ground with a broken arm the next. I'm happy, I am. I just. Rawr. Odd how easily a male can control my emotions. God.

And of course, I miss my Kasha dear. So much. <3

life goes on

Not sure if that is good or bad... But, it's a fact. The weekend helped me...LOADS. Helped me to relax a lot, like, I can breath now. But then, tomorrow, I go back to school. Eww.. So, my mom and I had established (or so I thought..) that I was going to do homeschooling next year. Now she's all like, nevermind, I want you to have a social life. A social life? A SOCIAL LIFE?! Hmm. *Thinks* What is better? A social life? Or sanity? So, that's annoying. But whatever. I FINALLY painted my room black! Muhaha. I got more fishies. 2 are mine. Destroyer is a Dragonfish or Goby. Midnight is a Black Moore. Destroyer is like, dying though. It's suppost to be in brackish water (mix of salt and fresh) and we don't have that. It's sad... I was going to get my own fish tank and make i brackish water and get loads of buddies for Destroyer. But, I looked at other brackish water fish. OMG! ugly.. like.. REALLY ugly. So, I think I'll stick with fresh and get a lot of Black Moores. = )
My mom bought us a Playstation 2 and like.. 8 games. I have never really had a game system before, so I was like..okay?...whatever.. But I found, I really like the Harry Potter games and Mortal Kombat. =p
Anyhoo. All is good..for the moment. Hopefully, it will last. Hopefully, I don't freak out when I go back to school tomorrow. Breath Deep. Life Goes On.
Yup. = )

i found out the hard way, nothing is what it seems

POO! Life. Rawr. I thought the reason for my saddness was the people I surrounded myself with. But now, I am around joyous people, loads of fun, yet a frown is on my face a lot of the time. I am not sad. I am not happy. I am just, there. Frusterated. So overly frusterated. Frusterated with:

• Friends
• Math
• High School
• People at school (a lot of them suck!)
• And loads more

I wish I could fast-foward time. Fast-foward it past the freaking math lectures about shit I am never going to think about again after I pass (if I pass), past the drama, past the pressure, past TEENAGE YEARS!
I don't want to be angry.
I don't want to be sad.
I don't want to be frusterated.
IF ONLY WE COULD CONTROL LIFE!
It's not that I am angry.
It's not that I am sad.
It's not that I am frusterated.
Simply that I am not happy.
What can make that happen, you say? Hmm..hmm.. IF I KNEW, I'D DO IT!!! DURHFUCKINDURH!

Okay, I am okay, I will be okay. I am just sick of math, a lot. Sick of school, a lot. Sick of most of the people around me. Sick of this house that I live in. Sick of everything. I need a change. I want to go somewhere where no one knows my name. No one knows how I used to be, just how I am. Where I can make a new "label" for myself.

Also, I am sick of that! FUCKING LABELS! A kid asked me to show him my arms today because he was bored and wanted to see my cuts. Fuck you.

All labels are are things for people to stamp on your forehead so they have something to mock at everyday.

By the way, our world is dying. Stop cutting down the goddamn trees. Stop burning the trees. Stop making shitting cars. Stop being greedy and wanting money, because if the world isn't here, your money will be no good you dumbass!

God, so frusterated. What to do, what to do?

And, I am ready to see Kasha, but no! Have to wait until summer because of what? What you ask? SCHOOL.

Rawr. But, life will go on. I will get over it. I just need a good scream, a good cry and sleep it off.

Poo.

suffication

No breathing. Don't give a fuck if I cut my arm and am bleeding. Do you even care if I die bleeding? Would it be wrong, would it be right, if I took my life tonight? Chances are that I might. Mutalation out of sight and I'm contemplating suicide. Because I am losing my mind, wish somebody would tell me I'm fine. Losing my sight, losing my mind, wish somebody would tell me I'm fine. Nothings alright. Nothing is fine. I never realized I was spread too thin Till it was too late And I was empty within Hungry Feeding on chaos And living in sin Downward spiral where do I begin It all started when I lost my mother No love for myself And no love for another Searching to find a love up on a higher level Finding nothing but questions and devils I'm running and I'm crying I can't go on living this way...
I hope you all know that that was a song. I'm not really cutting or contemplating suicide! I am just stressed, overwhelmed and frusterated beyond reason... And, it's all my fault... I've missed so much school, I'm in danger of freaking failing the 8th grade. I have a F in a few classes and I have loads of makeup work. I don't understand almost all of math. Teachers are getting on my case. Now the counselor. Now my mom. My mom is telling me that if I don't get my grades up she's going to take away my phone and computer and I can't hang out with any of my friends. Part of me is like, okay, that's fine. I deserve it. Then the other part of me is like, WTF?! Because many times that I stayed home, she let me. That is like, giving kids a whole bunch of candy then getting mad at them because they have a cavity. Yes, they could of brushed their teeth. They could of prevented it. But you let them eat it. Okay, weird analogy... I am just so frusterated. This kid in one of my classes WOULD NOT leave me alone today. He kept tapping on my desk, drawing on my paper, taking my stuff. I have stabbed him with my pencil, I have punched him, I have yelled at him, I have hurt him, yet.. HE STILL FRIKEN DOES IT!!! *loosing my marbles.!*
Then on my way into the Leadership room today, my counselor sees me. She was talking to a group of students so she said, "Mersadie, I need to talk to you." I'm like.. wtf? Then I get to the leadership room and mention it to my teacher. She says, "That's my fault. I emailed her about you." She failed to tell me what she emailed her about... Then the counselor talks to me, asks why I haven't been at school (I give my excuse.. back hurts..<-fib), tells me how important it is that I go, asks why I didn't get my pre-resitration stuff for HS. So, I text my mom to tell her that she needs to call and get the forms for HS and stuff. She does. Then she tells me that her and the counselor talked for like, 20 minutes about me, what my problem was with school, how I don't hate people, I just am overly annoyed (which is true) and an alternitave for high school. SO! It will all be worked out eventually. I just CANNOT get held back. I will be VERY pissed off.
I am worried about that.. but hey, life goes on.

stay in school! it's cool!

Ha ha, RIGHT! So, my mom made me go today. I woke up when I heard her alarm going off and I got up to turn it off, because it was on her phone, which was out of her room. She was there in the hallway right when I got there so she just told me to go back to bed because I said I was tired. SO ! I did. Ten minutes later she came in and told me that I had to go. So, I got dressed and such. No problem. I was only crying the whole time. But, no problem. SO. School wasn't too bad. I just have mounds of homework, which sucks. I got to the point where I was so irritated by people asking me where I had been, so I just said, I was committed into a mental institution and when they asked why, I said, I'm not allowed to talk about it. I only managed to keep a straight face telling one person. The rest, I broke out in laughter. But, it is more likely to happen then my whole "I was abducted by aliens" bit. (Ha ha, that was GREAT!) Anyhoo. Nothing too fascinating occured. Just, blehblahrawrness. I am fed up with school, but I won't drop out. I have an F in a few classes, so I really need to get it together. It's gonna be hard, but this is all my fault.. So, I'll have to fix it. And, I will. I think...
(One question that I have been wondering... What is worse, drugs or depression?)

breaking apart despite the bandages

It seems like the more I try to be happy, optomistic, etc., the more I find reasons not to be. It's not that I don't want to be happy. It's not that I want to be sad. It just seems like, I know how to be sad, I am almost..comfortable? with it. When it comes to being happy, I feel like I am faking it and it just doesn't seem genuine. I am not saying this because of other people's opinions, it doesn't feel genuine to me. I can't stand school anymore. I can't stand some of my family anymore [not really, "can't stand", I am just getting annoyed easier then normal]. I REALLY do not want to go to school tomorrow. Last week I only went for half a day and this week, I haven't gone at all. If I had a reason, like a test, a person, a class, whatever. Then I would understand it more, but I have no idea why I don't want to go. I just don't. It sucks. The people suck. The classes suck. Everything. Some of the people [most] are just so incrediably stupid! I know that I am not the smartest of them all, but when we are reading out loud in class, half of them stutter over every word. Or the teachers get mad at me for stupid shit. Or people won't leave me alone, asking me hwer eI have been and stuff. I wish I could tell them, "I've been away from you. Now, go away." I think my teeth are suffering permanant damage, due to the constant grinding and jaw clenching out of pure and utter frusteration and disgust. Ugh, I can feel myself drifting back into the depression stage. /=
Anyways.. What I did today!

• Woke up, way too early! Went to be at like.. 2 had to wake up at like.. 9 for a Dr. appointment. I know, not that early, but I am a nite owl, okay?!
• Went to Dr. Had to wait two hours in the waiting room. Then they only spent like, 15 minutes with me.. WTF?!
• Taco Bell. Yum Yum.
• Home. Cleaned my whole room. I even vaccumeed! It was epic!
• Went to Walmart, it's Lani's birthday, so we got her a cake (parents needed us to..) and some presents. It was really hard considering I am not really friends with her anymore so I was totally at a loss when it came to getting her stuff. But I did it!
• Went to Lani's house. Awkward. She barely talked to me...
• Came home.
• Now I'm doing this!
• And during all of this, I was always doing one thing.. Missing Kasha.

tears spill

= \
I could say that I wished I didn't care.
I could say that I wished I could look the other way.
I could say that I wished I knew of none of it.
I could say that I wished my heart was in another place.
I could say that I wished that my mind was thinking other thoughts.
But...I don't. I do care, I will look at it with my head held high, I know all of it, my heart is here and will remain and my mind wouldn't stop pondering the facts until my heart gives out.
I am trying to understand myself what I really mean by this, because I am uncertain. Every time I think about Kasha, I can't help but break down. I miss her so much. I could say that I wished I didn't, so maybe my eyes could remain dry for a moment, but I don't wish that. In order for me not to miss Kasha, I would have had to have never met her. That would be like never meeting my hand. It would be...weird.
Kasha, I want you to know that I care for you so much. I love you like a sister, you are my sister. Without you, I am not sure what I would do. I want you to know that after the heartbreaks, after the tears, after the pain, after it all, I will always be here. I don't plan on forgetting you, I won't. This is going to sound corny and maybe a bit...loverish? but- you are one of the few people who really are in my heart. It is aching right now. Bea cause you claim to be so incompetent, so unimportant, so undeserving. I wish I had the strength that you do. I wish I could speak my mind and stick to it. I am always doing what everyone else is doing. I can't ever stick to a label, because I am changing with everyone else. But you, you do what you want, what you think is right. You don't change for anyone, but you will kill for all. I wish I had those qualities. I miss you so much. SO much. It really, really, REALLY sucks. I better be coming there this summer or I shall throw a tantrum.
I hope I didn't come off as a stalker, I know I have stalkerish qualities. I just love ya, Hon and I want you to know that. So, if in the end, no one else loves you, I do. I hope that is enough.

m.i.a.

I've been Missing In Action for the past week and my blog has become abandoned! I have returned! Yay? Probably no "Yay"s. But, oh well. Soo. This week has been eventful, yet boring. Let's start with my weekend (last weekend). Had my first kiss (I'd rather not get into detail about that...ew...) and a lot of other firsts, which I don't really want to talk about! Anyhoo. Nothing too extreme. I promise. lol. I haven't gone to school all week. Except for Wed., but I went home after 5th period. I don't know why I haven't gone. I just really don't like it lately. I don't know if it's the getting up at 5:30 every morning or the people..or what. I don't know, but I'm going to do homeschooling next year but until then I am going to work on that. I've been talking to that guy, the one who I said wasn't very cute, blah blah blah and I am starting to like him. He seems pretty cool and is obviously into me! Sooo, I don't know what's going to happen with that. He wants to hang out, and I want to see him and all...but not by myself. Hmm. I don't know! Anyhoo. I feel like there was a lot more that has happened, but I can't really think of anything too dramatic. I really miss my bud, Kasha! Rawr, making me angry beastbeast.

crush factor: real or thrill?

How can you tell if you really like someone or you are just flattered that they like you. I've met this guy once at a park, he was with all of his friends. I was with 2 of my friends. We all kinda crushed on each of the friends. The guy I was crushing on wasn't the guy in question. But it turned out that 2/3 of the guys ended up liking my friend (the guy in question and the guy I liked). So when he messaged me yesterday I expected him to be wanting to know why my friend deleted her myspcace. I informed him that we weren't friends anymore, blah blah blah and if that was why he wanted to talk to me. He said that I was cool and wanted to talk to me. So I was like, fine, whatever. Then when I asked him what he wanted to talk about...his suggestion was...interesting, to say the least. What do ALL guys think about? Yep, that was it. So we asked eachother a few quick questions, nothing major. Then it changed into me telling him that I probably knew something that he hasn't done. He wasn't convinced so I said the first thing that came to mind. Making out in a library. He said he had and I was like, yeah right. He was like, I could do it for you. I was like, for me or with me? He said with me! Oh my god. Kinda creepy, considering I've met him once and he said he loved my friend. But whatever, it was quite flattering. I'm pretty sure he likes me. But I don't really like him. I'm just bored. Maybe I could grow to like him? He's just totally not cute. I know that shouldn't matter but..we shall see I suppose. Anyhoo. Real or Thrill? Do I really like him or am I just liking the attention?

Maless...iicky.

one million and counting...

That is about how many time I change my emotion/mood for the day. Everyday. I can be happy one second then miserable. I almost feel....guilty for being happy sometimes... Like, people will think that I am not being myself because I'm happy rather than sad. Or that I don't deserve to be happy when some people do. But then when I'm sad I feel crappy too. And my reasons for being sad are retarded. But then..why do I still cry? How in the hell do I have a right to say that I am sad when practically everything is okay? How in the hell do I have a right to say that I am lonely when I have a whole bunch of people who talk to me and say hi to me and claim they love me? How in the hell do I have a right to say it? When other peoples' lives suck way more than mine and they have zero friends... I guess you could say I'm ungreatful. I guess you could say that I am picky. I guess you could say that I am selfish... I could say that I am. I don't know what I want. I want to be happy, yes but I want to remain who I am. I feel like if I am happy, I can't do that... When I'm happy, I change. But at the same time, I don't want to be sad. Grr, I just don't know. I am so sick of emotions.. They are so irratating at times. I just wish I had...something. Something that I cannot even name because I have yet discovered what it is.. Oh wait.. I remeber..I need Kasha.....

loner in the crowd

Ever feel like you are surrounded by a ton of people, people who talk to you, smile at you, hug you, say hi to you, say they love you....? And yet- you feel oddly alone. Because the second the conversations dies, the smiles fade, the hugs are over, they continue onto their classes...they are all gone. I've been trying so hard to be happy, smile, laugh, joke, wearing friken pink for hell's sake! I am not sad right now...just lonely. See, there is this thing called Extreme on Saturday, a whole bunch of bands come..there is food, jewerly..in a nut shell, it's loads of fun. I really want to go, but one problem..no one to go with. Dominique and Lauren both don't have the money ($20 entry fee) and I mean, I know people who are going and all...but they aren't my friends.. Yeah, they say "Hey Sadie, what's up?" "Cute shirt Sadie!" "Haha, you're funny Sadie!" "Love ya Sadie!" But they probably wouldn't want to go to a movie..or to lunch..or to the friken Adventure Dome trip next month for school. Rawr. I like hanging out with Dominique and Lauren but... Lauren can be sad or uninterested a lot and Dominique has her own best friend. I need my Kasha I suppose...

lions and tigers and bears, oh my! (well. it was actually: snakes and spiders and lizards, oh my!)

Sorry I didn't write yesterday-I was too busy having fun. :P Afterschool (School was okay, nothing too dramatic happened... My friend Lauren's brother, Evan changed his lunch schedual so that he could eat lunch with Dominique and I..how flattering!) I went to Exotic Pets! That is probably the coolest store on planet Earth!! There were a lot of turtles, big and small, a LOT of awesome reptiles (snakes, lizards, etc., etc.), fishies, spiders (EEK!), birds and even a kangaroo! It was sooo awesome! Now I really want some type of lizard or snake and some froggies. My only concern is that I am a chicken shit and I wouldn't be able to hold them, lol. Anyways, we ended up getting two more turtles (Chaotic and Stud, they are miiine!), 6 frozen baby rats (iick), 2 frozen biig rats (iicker), another light for the turtle tank and some plants for the turtle tank. The rats were for my grandma's snakes (Sasha and Kai: Ball Pythons and Lexi: Boa Constrictor). The turtle tank contains: 4 turtles (Sasha, Jack, Chaotic and Stud), 6 fish (I should name those!! :P), a whole bunch of colorful rocks, a little thing for the turtles to chill on and some plants that the turtles can actually eat. It is pretty cool. : ) My mom said that we could make a shelf to attach to my wall then build a cage that would go on top of it and then put froggies in it! Wouldn't that be awesome? I really like the poison arrow frogs but they are 1: posionous and 2: expensive..so I will probably end up getting these frogs called Hourglass frogs, they are really cute! I want some type of reptile..but they are all soo expensive, so I'll have to wait for that..maybe my birthday? Oh yah, the child support is going to start kicking in by May, so that will be cool. : ) Anyhoo, the last few days have been quite good. Nothing too horrible has happened (save the fact that he started talking to me again... Nothing is really happening with that. Whenever we talk I either sound like a pathetic loser or a bitch...Oh well. Maybe we jus tshouldnt talk at all and I should delete his number again..but then that whole email would of been pointless..but whatever. If he talks to me, fine. I'll act totally normal and express the fact that I am...happy. I am happy I think. Finally.) Oops, didn't mean for that to be so long. But it is true. I think I finally am happy, despite what the world sees when they look at me. Just because I wear black everyday and listen to hard rock doesn't mean that I am depressed or anything. I feel like I am a fairly outgoing person and I don't need to wear bright colors and listen to pop and such to be reconized.

Rawr, my sunburn is driving me stark raving mad (heha).
Anyhoo. I'll add more if today has anything fun to talk about.

forgive and forget?

Ugh. Today...
Started out bad, I had to go to school! Ew. Math sucked, as usual. The rest of my classes were okay. Up until PE. I usually hate PE but today we had to run and it wasn't even that far but when we were done, I almost passed out. I swear. It was iicky. Then after I dressed out I had a text message. I reconized the number right away. The infamous online ex-boyfriend. At first, I was confused..Why was he texting me after what he said? Why? I opened it and it said that his brother had hacked his myspace and said what had finally allowed me to get over him. So now I know for a fact that he read my message to him (a pethetic, almost begging message, ew). He said it 'wouldn't win him back but he'll still talk to me'. I almost said, you think I want to win you back? LOSER! Sure, I missed him like hell and I wanted to talk to him more than anything..but now? Not really. So iickyiickyewww situation. I'm just going to text him occasionally, I'm cool with just being friends. I'll reply like I am totally uninterested in whatever he is saying. I can do that..can't I?

caught up to the present

Now I am pretty much caught up to today. The Cali trip was a few days ago, so that's over with. Today was Easter. Fun, fun, fun. Eat candy until your sick, what a blast! lol. My grandma came back from Cali today (they came up with us but left later), she brought me 3 sand dollars, they are soo cool. That is all I really wanted from the beach, but she bought those ones. They are awesome looking. = )

One thing that I've been thinking about latley is how I am. For the past year or so, I've been the dark, "emo", sad person. I am not really "emo" or sad anymore, but being dark, is sort of how I am. I love black, I love dark things. I shutter at the site of pink and rainbows have never been my thing. I've just been hanging out with the ravers lately and they are all for bright colors and white. I want to fit in, but old habbits die hard I guess. I want to fit in and all, but I don't want to change who I am and besides, is wearing black all the time really that bad?

california trip. march 20-22

Our first stop was LA. Amazing as it is, I am not too fond of that city. We just went there for my dad, he had a class there. We stayed in a really small hotel, that part sucked really bad. It was me, my five year old sister (Dalynn), my four year old brother (Camren), my mom and my dad. It was soo cramped and loud. So I just put in my headphones and crashed the entire time. lol. The next day we drove to Oceanside, which is spectacular! Sooo pretty there. I loved it! I got a whole bunch of shells on the beach, I even found a starfish. As I laid on the beach (talking to Kasha on the phone actually) I noticed the person next to me was reading Twilight. I thought it was funny. I can't go anywhere without seeing that book, and I totally understand why. It's an awesome book. lol. Anyways, the beach was fun. I loved how the water glinted as the sun hit it and how the sand sparkled. It was amazing. The next day we drove home. It seemed to last forever and I got carsick once, due to the friken traffic (iick). Along the way I made some observations: there are a lot of trees and ivy on the side of the roads, it is REALLY stupid to try and brush your hair in the car...a convertible...stupid people!, do you ever think that the dudes who drive those big choppers ever get really tired..their arms I mean. They have to reach up and stuff. Looks kinda stupid to me actually. lol. Anyways, it was great to get home but it was fun. = )

once breaking, then broken, now picking up the pieces.

I figured that if I was going to start documenting my life, I should get over all the things that are better left forgotten and try to live life to the fullest. Forget my recent past and cherish the present and hope for the future. Compared to most, my past wasn't really all that bad...and it wasn't, not by a long shot. However, like most humans, at the time it was all happening to me, I went into self-pity mode. My past contained three major points: an online "relationship", a friendship and a bad relationship with my father. The online "relationship" was doomed from the beginning and I shouldn't of ever even thought about it, because it is retarded. But, I wanted to believe that it was all real, but in the end, it was the farthest thing from real, as expected... I regret ever getting attached to that person, it was all most likely lies anyways. The frienship had its ups and several downs, but it seemed quite genuine. It finally came down to my happiness being sarcraficed for someone else's happiness, and I wasn't okay with that. May sound selfish, but it's true. My relationship with my father was full of hate. He had been in and out of prison for what seemed like my whole life. I was constantly blaming him for each tear I shed, each speck of unhappiness within me. I have pondered about all of these things and I have came to a conclusion: I will find real love when it comes, after all, I am only thirteen. Some frienships just aren't meant to be, so I should just simply cherish the ones that are worth it, the ones that are meant to be. I have concluded that my own happiness is important and I shouldn't cause myself to be unhappy just so someone else can gain from it. I have concluded that my father has made mistakes...who hasn't? I know that he is trying, I know that he loves me and I need to let go of the past and just love him back. Most of all, I have concluded that life is worth living, I just need to open my eyes and see why. There is so much I want to do in my life that I haven't done yet. I am done ready to die, nor do I want to die. There is so many foods that I haven't tasted, people I haven't met, waters I haven't swam in, trees I haven't climbed in and so much more. Sure, life may suck hard now, but who is to say that it will suck in ten years? It is all up to me. If I want to be happy, then I need to look past all of the shitiness in the world and just be happy. If I want to be happy, truely happy, then the only thing in my way is me, saying that I can't be happy. With this being said, I am not going to wear pink and start jumping up and down like a fucking Barbie, but I am not going to sulk and be someone who is sad all of the time. There is a medium, and I plan on finding it. Anyways, enough of my "life is good, burn emos, burn" speech. My past wasn't full of just bad and sadness. I am thankful for a few people that I have met along the way. My family, of course, they'll always be there with me, thank God. I love 'em to pieces! The first, specific person, I'd like to mention is my best friend Kasha. No matter what, she has always been my best friend. She is the only person who knows each of my flaws, each of my dark secrets, each of my sins and still loves and cares about me. I am so thankful for that. I've only known her for a little over three years, but those three years have been awesome. During two of them, we have been apart, but we keep in touch and our friendship is just getting stronger. I love her to death, no matter what! Two other friends of mine are Dominique and Lauren. They always remind me that my feelings matter and they keep a smile on my face, they rock! One thing that will always be in my past, present and future is writing. I love it with all of my being, soo much. It's what keeps me sane in this world! I really hope to finish a novel and have it published, that is my life goal. Another thing that I enjoy, but I have only recently had a passion for, is photography. I hope that the passion sticks and I can make something out of it. I hope that I can one day live off of writing and photography. I would be beyond content if that happened! Now- I am going to end this ramble of mine!